Life sure has very unique and torturous ways of making things happen.
I have lived in Vancouver yet again for just over a year now and one of my dream jobs is just a week away. This whole decision, this whole situation has caused me to constantly question everything about myself and it has been difficult. To feel that there is absolutely no space, no safe space to place any sort of faith or trust in it like I used to. Like I assume everyone else does. How does everyone do it? I often wonder; the happy people, how on this Earth do they make their lives work? The last year has been rather intense and certainly busy. Most of my energy goes into my job and making sure I am doing the best I can in my industry. And honestly, that is been really gratifying. I have a year of industry experience under my belt and I do feel proud of myself for getting this far. Especially when I remember where I've come from; that I really did give up on becoming an animator shortly after graduating from animation school. I'm not really at a point where I can say that the ups and downs of moving to the other side of the world on my own and leaving behind a man I'm deeply in love with have been worth it. I do want to believe that a few years from now I'll look back at all this and laugh warmly about it. Finally understanding the intensely doubtful moments, why I feel so disconnected from everyone, the purpose of feeling so isolated, and even how this blip of time in my life contributes to the future happiness I imagine I'll naturally fall into. Tranquil is my favourite word. It's just something that I crave right now. What and incredible month it has been.
About four weeks ago I left home, I left my life, I left my love, in pursuit of a stepping stone towards my dream. Here I am, so soon, but well on my way. Vancouver has been so very generous to me since even before I had arrived here. Each week was a successful increment to get me to where I am and I still almost can't believe how soon it all happened. I still have my doubts but I'm remembering to come back to myself in those moments I feel like I'm losing myself. That is a vague thing to say but I'm doing my best to trust in myself every moment and to treat myself with as much kindness as I can. I'm at the end of my first week at my new job. It feels like success to finally be able to say that I work in an animation studio. That I am now a Layout Artist for a popular childrens show and although it's daunting because I'm still new with so much to learn, I feel so appreciative of where I am and what I've accomplished, not only on my own, but also with the support of everyone around me. I feel like a professional artist and it feels good. There's no turning back now.
I've worked so hard to get to this point, there can't be any turning back. The plane tickets are bought, the Visa sorted and everything's falling into place but each day is a constant reminder of my last moments here. Even though I don't feel that I belong here it's still sad to say 'I'm leaving'. I know I talk about this a lot; me moving away to another country. It's my biggest focus and terrifying as much as it is exciting. My life feels so strange right now. I'm in love with a beautiful man and here I am leaving him. Spending time with him is one of the easiest things for me to do. It feels like a really full and loving relationship; something I have not experienced before. I have never felt this loved before and he rings so deep within me that I often forget that he is not me. It seems to be a normal enough relationship where we still get frustrated with each other but we do our best to be honest about how we feel even if we worry it will hurt each other. Being with him feels very natural to me. It hurts knowing our time together is limited now and it's difficult for those on the outside to understand the situation. It's not as simple as him moving with me, and not as simple as we must break up before I go. Of course we won't be together but the implication of 'break up' seems to say that we don't want to be with each other but that's not true. He is a very special person to me and it pains me to leave him but he understands why I have to go. January just disappeared but what a beautiful ending?
Camping out on an apple orchid and doing dance workshops with international teachers then blues music playing into the wee hours. The days were warm and welcoming and the nights cold and wet. Mother nature tried but nothing stopped us from dancing in the rain. It was very satisfying and I feel very fulfilled after this weekend even though I wasn't really looking forward to it originally. With all the dance politics I was worried most people would miss the point. I was surprised at how much I had relaxed by the end and how appreciative I felt for that time and how much more appreciation I felt for the people. As one of the DJs, I took this as an opportunity to give to this community what I thought was something outrageous and different. What I didn't know was what it really gave me was another way to connect with those special people close to me. Through the simple act of sharing music. It was more than it being late at night and spitting rain, more than dancing under the lit dome and the stars, more than just enjoying a dance with people I genuinely like. What shocked me the most was watching my friends dance. How deep they fell into themselves, how openly and candidly they expressed themselves and the way they connected when they danced with each other. And it was only when they were compelled by my music. To me, dance is a metaphor for life. Dancing with someone is having a conversation with them but without words. Each person has their own way of talking without speaking if you watch carefully and in dance, if you feel carefully. When I dance I imagine that I am water. Absolutely free flowing and often deep and vast like the ocean. The idea of letting everything go although practical is kind of frightening. There's nothing left to hold onto so it feels as though you are constantly falling. But to be like water, that is what I must do. Water doesn't hold onto anything even when it falls. I let myself feel that a little more this weekend and not only did it make me a better dancer, just like my friends I fell a little deeper into myself and was able to openly express myself a little more. As the prospect of moving overseas becomes more real
I'm finding that I must take advantage of the simple moments I have here. Since returning home from Vancouver early last year the question that had plagued me the most was 'why did I come back?' There were a few reasons and most of them were tied to fear but there was less shame in explaining to those who would ask that it was because of financial reasons. With the feeling of abandonment by relationships that were so far away, the pressure to perform better in my studies and many disappointments, personal and professional, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't good enough. Those fallen relationships I returned to hurt me deeply and I felt very torn about the decision I had made. I thought that I was afraid of realising my dreams; of living them because of an incredible loss of self worth and self doubt. It was an intense and wonderful year abroad that I will never regret but the whole experience took so much out of me that it felt safer to return home rather than pursue a career I no longer believed I was made for. Coming home was no mistake. It wasn't until one day a few short months ago that someone very dear to me said, 'You should be animating.' I knew as soon as he said it that he was right. That translated to me as, 'You should be doing what you were supposed to do in this life,' and from there began the inspiration to return with an unbreakable vigor to the other side of the world to do what I now know I'm meant to do. The time I have spent here has been very healing. I have experienced some of the deepest and most loving connections with a special few here. I have felt so much more love than I could have ever imagined I deserved to feel. My heart will be very sad to leave those people. Very very sad. |
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August 2017
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