This is it.
I didn't think it would be so bad leaving the office on my final day of work but once I realised that that would be the last time I log out of my computer and the last time walking away from my desk it hit me. And I cried. The book had closed and I only just realised it was the end. I didn't think I would get so emotional about leaving the place I had been working at for so long but it became obvious to me why as I crouched by my desk letting it all out. This was the reason why I came here. I moved to the other side of the world to follow my childhood dream of working in animation and DHX gave me that. And they kept me. For nearly 3 years, and longer if I weren't moving back home. So I let myself cry. Animation means so much to me. I did what I said I was going to do. I became a professional animator. I love that I can tell people that's what I do for a living. I have enjoyed immensely learning about my craft for the past 3 years. I grew up a lot in this time too. I became an independent adult in another country and I know the journey isn't ending. I have an animation job ready for me when I return to Melbourne. It's just that my normal is changing. And it's not a bad thing but I still feel sad. My feathers have grown in and now I must leave the nest. As my last two weeks living in Vancouver come to an end I am reflecting on my first two weeks of arriving here. I was hired so quickly. Even that first post I made about my first week of working in the Animation Industry and how that's where it all began. Little unknowing me had followed her dream and she made it and I'm grateful for her. I honour her. The tough times are passed, she and I got through it and I can go home now because of her. I can have a normal relationship with my boyfriend now instead of my phone. Painful and joyful, this whole experience has a special place in my heart. Goodbye my life in Vancouver... This is an odd time for me. A hopeful but odd time.
I returned from my annual Christmas visit to Australia last week and so far this visit has been my favourite. The moment I landed I felt the land embrace me with such warmth. Welcoming me home. That warmth overwhelmed me and I cried. I had felt so rejected by my home for so long and resented the life I had there and the relationships that expected me to act with the same intimacy as before. This trip was different than previous trips. For days it didn't feel real. I felt like I was walking around in a dream. The ground didn't feel solid under my feet. Nothing felt real and yet I knew how to behave because everything was familiar. It made me question myself a lot especially about what I really wanted. I didn't realise that I was still adjusting. Such drastic change from complete isolation to unconditional embraces and love. My boyfriend and I were in each other's pockets for almost the entire time. In the same way we get so involved in our dreams I was completely absorbed and had almost forgotten that the last 2 and a half years of my life had happened. I was surrounded by good food, my family treating me like an adult, reconnecting with my boyfriend and that glorious Australian sun. Then suddenly again after that insanely long plane ride I was back here in Vancouver. I felt groggy. Vancouver felt like I had woken from a dream. My body was in mourning all of last Sunday. I didn't want to leave. I know for sure my time here is ending. I had already decided months ago I would move back home after this contract. There are a number of reasons that pushed me to this decision and now I have to commit to every step along the way. I have already secured an animation job for March back home. There's no backing away now that I've said yes to that and I don't want to back away. I did what I came here to do. This is my last week on this project and I'm done. Vancouver's letting me go and I'm ready to leave. There's an odd transition happening right now. As I suspected since I had not received a phone call, my rejection letter arrived.
I thought it might be better to wrap up the mystery of whether I got in or not sooner rather than a sad story later. I'm not all that sad about it though now. I couldn't walk past my mail box that day and it pulled me to it. I knew what it said before I opened it but I still contacted a Japanese friend to translate for me just because the Kanji was too difficult. I did want it after all. I was scared, I was in two minds about it, I was torn between comfort and a new world but in the end I decided I did want this despite anything I would need to sacrifice if it turned out that life said this was meant for me. My heart still sings for me to go to Japan. I still want to live in Japan and I still want to break into the animation industry. And now... what's the plan? I think it's too soon to say for sure what I'm supposed to do with my life next. It's no secret that I have not been happy living in Vancouver but I'm not ready to go back home. Not ready or terrified, right now it's the same feeling. Moving here over 2 and a half years ago I knew I would never stay.
I just didn't know when I would leave. I told myself, a good 2 years of industry experience, maybe 3 but definitely 2, would satisfy me and then I could go home. That 2 year mark hit a few months ago without me noticing and for a while I felt lost or stuck. I wasn't finished here, I wasn't ready to go home. I don't want to go home. I've been away so long that I'm no longer relevant to people I knew and what if just like last time, after all my experience I was still unemployable there? The thing is, I really don't want to stay here either. Where else do I go then? I had been asking life this question most of this year. What is next for me? What am I supposed to do? With sudden and yet perfect timing I learnt about a job opening at Studio Ghibli for two positions. One for an inbetweener. As much as the prestige around a job like is, things like working on Hayao Miyazaki's possible last film and working at one of the worlds most well known studios, I knew I could not pass up at least going for this opportunity. Animation is bigger than me. My dreams are bigger than me and I have to aim high to keep up. You bet I applied for that position. And now my fate is in the hands of the universe. I do know that I post here rarely.
A lot of my time is spent doing things just for survival. Making sure I sleep enough so I can function the following day; making sure I eat enough to not go hungry; making sure I am keeping myself warm enough on this side of the world; making sure I get my work done so I don't feel anxious about it. Normal things I think about on a daily basis however sometimes these things have to be sacrificed. I have to sacrifice a skype call to my boyfriend because the time difference means I would have to sacrifice sleep to talk to him. I have to sacrifice money in order to buy something to eat or sacrifice time in the morning to prepare myself a meal for the day without being late to work. I have to sacrifice my lunch breaks to make up for being late to work or sacrifice going home on time to make up for lost time. Right now I am craving a time where I don't have to worry too hard about these things. With my renewed work permit I have 2 more years to do what I came here to do however, I feel that my time here is coming to an end and I don't know how to feel about that. I recently celebrated our 3rd year anniversary with my boyfriend, of which most of that time has been spent far apart... On my birthday before I left on this grand journey, he gave me a pocket watch with an engraving that has deep meaning for both of us and it was the perfect gift because he knew then that it was only time that separated us. |
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August 2017
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